


you and i walk a fragile line

by witchseeker1133



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Character Death, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Godric's Hollow, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Sad, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-20
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-28 19:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30144684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchseeker1133/pseuds/witchseeker1133
Summary: “And… I think we should still say that I’m the secret keeper.”Lily tilted her head. “Lie to Dumbledore?”“I’d have to lie to Remus too,” Sirius sighed. “There’s a leak in the Order, and even if it’s somehow not him, we should still try to keep the secret keeper as, well, secret as possible. Otherwise who knows what could happen?”“Sirius is right, Lils,” said James. “It’s the safest bet.”
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 11





	you and i walk a fragile line

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I imagine happened as time went on during the first war. Neither of them could trust one another, and because of that they couldn’t talk to each other either. This one’s pretty sad, (and by that I mean there is nothing other than sad feelings/angst/mistrust) so don’t read it if you don’t want to be sad I guess.  
> I hope you enjoy :)  
> The title is from “Haunted” by Taylor Swift, because I think that song perfectly illustrates this era of their lives

_October 15, 1981_

Sirius was staring at him again. 

It had been happening more and more lately. Remus would be sitting on the couch with a book, or trying to figure out how to cook something new for dinner, or even just _sleeping_. And Sirius would be looking at him, watching him, trying to… 

To what? What reason could Sirius have to keep _staring_ at him like that? It was like that time after the Prank, a bit. When Remus could tell Sirius wanted to say something, wanted to talk to him, but was too scared to. And yet, as much as Remus wracked his brain, he couldn’t come up with a single thing that Sirius could be scared of. They had been good, lately, hadn’t they?

Maybe it was just all the carnage catching up to him. Sirius had grown up in a household where if he had let everything in, he would’ve drowned in it all. Marlene and Dorcas, the Prewitts, Benjy… maybe their deaths were finally starting to affect Sirius. It made sense, in a way, but why would that mean Sirius was pulling away from him? 

Because that was exactly what was happening. They’d stopped having real conversation, _any_ conversation, other than when they were around James or Lily or Peter. If they were alone, it was pretty much silent. They hadn’t had sex in weeks, they hadn’t gone out anywhere, and sure, maybe that made sense since they were also fighting in a war. But it wasn’t like them. His relationship with Sirius was shifting, changing, and Remus had no idea how to fix it.

He closed the thick book on the history of werewolves (which he was reading to try to figure out a better way to get them on the Order’s side) and stood up. Sirius glanced away quickly, probably hoping Remus wouldn’t have noticed him staring. _As if_. 

“Padfoot, love,” Remus began, making his voice slightly sweeter in hopes his boyfriend would cave, “why do you keep staring at me?” There, he had asked. Now he would know if he was just worried about him, or if it was something deeper, like… like maybe that Sirius wanted to leave him, that he had had enough of living with a werewolf. 

Sirius blinked from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter, and frowned slightly.

“I’m not staring at you,” he said plainly. “Sometimes I just stare. Is that alright?”

Remus was taken aback at his abrupt tone, since it just added to his newfound fear that Sirius no longer wanted him, but shook his emotions aside. “You’ve just been doing it a lot recently so… is everything okay? Are you okay?”

“We’re in a war, Remus. No one is okay.” Before the blow of _Remus_ instead of _Moony_ could hit, Sirius had stood up and walked to the door, grabbing his leather jacket as he went. “I’m going out,” he said gruffly.

“Er, why?”

“Because I can? You aren’t my keeper.”

And then he left, and Remus was alone in the apartment they had picked out together so many months ago. He stared after Sirius with his mouth agape. What the fuck had just happened? He went back over the conversation in his head, trying to figure out if he had said something wrong, but came up empty. Sirius had just… left. 

Just more evidence for the idea that he no longer felt the same towards Remus as he had back at Hogwarts.

* * *

Sirius could only breathe again when he had left the apartment, swung his leg over his charmed motorbike, and was up far away in the sky. He could go to James and Lily’s, but he knew they would just Floo Remus to try to get them to “talk it out” or whatever, and Sirius couldn’t have that. He needed to be away from his boyfriend tonight.

It was a cold night, but he just cast a few warming charms and hoped they stuck as he travelled through the low-hanging clouds. He watched as the sun set in the distance, and wished everything was different. He wished his godson wasn’t being hunted by a blood purist maniac, he wished people weren’t dropping dead left and right, he wished he’d been able to save his brother from whatever fate had ended him.

But most of all he wished Remus weren’t the spy.

Everyone knew there was one by now. Their most recent missions had all been compromised; the Death Eaters had known about them beforehand, and that had led to massive amounts of avoidable death. Benjy had been cornered and been _blasted apart_ , for Godric’s sake. Dumbledore kept going on about “innocent until proven guilty” and wouldn’t go about trying to figure out who was passing information along, but Sirius knew. 

There weren't many people it could be to begin with. The Evans-Potters were literally being hunted down, and Lily was a muggleborn, so it was no way it was them. Moody was completely mental at times, but would rather dive into an active volcano than become a Death Eater. It wouldn’t ever cross Peter’s mind to betray them, the Longbottom’s were too caught up with their own kid, and Emmeline was well-trusted by Dumbledore and also a half-blood, so it was doubtful she would go to the other side. 

And sure, Sirius knew Remus was a half-blood too. And he had known him since first year. And he had slept with him. He _loved_ him. But… 

He went on secret missions. Sirius, James and the others were never sworn to secrecy on theirs, but Remus couldn’t talk about his. All they knew was that Remus didn’t let them help him during the moons anymore, and wouldn’t tell them why. And yes, Dumbledore had ordered Remus to be silent, it wasn’t like he was keeping secrets on purpose, but surely he could at least tell _Sirius_ , his boyfriend, his lover, the man he had claimed he would die for.

Eventually Sirius had stopped trying to figure out what Remus was doing. He assumed it had something to do with werewolves, though, since it was always the full moon when he left and he never came back injured, like he would be if he transformed alone. 

And if it had something to do with werewolves, then it had something to do with Voldemort, since a majority of the werewolves in Britain had allied themselves with him. Which meant Remus was spending a few days every month with Voldemort supporters. 

What if they had convinced him to switch sides? What if they had told him fantasies of what it would be like under Voldemort's rule? Of them being able to run free, without restrictions or fear of being put down? Remus had spent his whole life enduring the second-hand treatment he got for being a werewolf; what if he had decided that enough was enough, that he would have a better life under Voldemort?

Some small part of Sirius knew he was overthinking things. He didn’t really know if Remus was going to a werewolf pack every month. He didn’t really know if Remus was having second thoughts about joining the Order, or if he was passing along information to the other side. But the evidence he had, along with the fact that he was scared out of his mind, was overpowering that part of his brain. Remus was the spy. He had to be, there was no one else. 

* * *

_October 25, 1981_

Remus was two minutes early to the Order meeting, but by the looks everyone gave him when he walked through the door you’d think he was an hour late. Dumbledore, who was sitting in a maroon armchair at the front of the group, waved him inside with a smile and continued on with whatever he had been saying before, telling the stories of a family of muggles who had been murdered the night before. 

He made his way along the back wall and found the rest of the Marauders and Lily in the back corner, sitting around a small wooden table. Lily smiled at him and patted the seat beside her. Remus glanced at Sirius, hoping that maybe he would want Remus to sit by him, but his boyfriend seemed to be deep in conversation with James, whispering furtively. James eyed Remus as he sat down beside Lily, then said something back to Sirius. 

“Why are you here?” Remus asked quietly to Lily. She and James usually switched off which Order meetings they went to so they could take care of Harry, and Lily had been there last time. Harry had never been brought to one before. 

Lily frowned slightly and sighed. “Dumbledore told us there was something important happening and that we _all_ needed to be here, Harry included.”

“That’s… worrisome,” said Remus. Harry reached out for his finger, and Remus smiled as the baby tried to put it in his mouth. Lily smiled too, but it was strained.

“Yes, it is,” she said. She opened her mouth to say something else after a moment, but then Dumbledore raised his voice and stood up so that everyone could hear him. Remus caught Sirius staring at him again, seeming to zero in on the place where Remus’s finger was being held by baby Harry. He swallowed and focused his attention on the front of the room. Even after he had brought up Sirius’s weird staring problems, it hadn’t stopped. In fact, it seemed to have gotten worse.

Remus was starting to think that Sirius was afraid of him, actually. That maybe he wanted to leave, to find someone new - or, perhaps he had _already_ found someone new - but was too scared to say anything. He and James had come face-to-face with Greyback on a recent mission, and maybe that had put the whole dating-a-werewolf thing into perspective for Sirius. He probably thought that if he told Remus he didn’t love him anymore, Remus would hurt him.

The thought made a lump form in Remus’ throat. _Had_ Sirius already found someone new? He had been leaving a lot recently, randomly just getting up and flying away on his charmed motorbike. He could easily have been meeting up with someone this whole time. 

That revelation didn’t hurt as much as the idea that Sirius thought Remus was dangerous, though. That he thought he was _in_ danger by living with him.

The Order meeting went by rather quickly, since they mostly got their missions assigned individually. Afterwards, when a majority of the people had left, Dumbledore came up to the six of them. Sirius had gone back to whispering to James, Lily looking at them disapprovingly the whole time while Remus distracted himself by entertaining Harry, but they all quieted when the wizard approached.

“Thank you for bringing your son,” he began, his face grave. “I’m afraid that-” he stopped and glanced around, then waved his arm. Remus felt the silencing charm sink in around them. Dumbledore cleared his throat. “I’m afraid that you are in grave danger.”

They all stared at him in silence. 

“What does that mean, professor?” James asked after a prolonged silence. 

Dumbledore sighed. “You remember the prophecy, I assume?” Remus felt Lily stiffen beside him. 

“I thought we would have more time,” whispered Lily, staring down at Harry. “He’s only a year old.”

“I’m so sorry,” replied Dumbledore. Remus didn’t think he sounded very sincere, but stayed quiet. He knew of the prophecy too. _Either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives._ Harry, James and Lily’s small, infant son, would somehow have the ability to destroy Voldemort. So of course, Voldemort would try to destroy Harry first. 

“I believe that the best way for you three to protect yourselves,” Dumbledore continued, looking at James and Lily, “would be to set your house under the Fidelius Charm. It would guarantee protection for you all until the time comes where Voldemort is defeated.”

James nodded slowly, squeezing Lily’s hand tightly. “We’ll do it,” he said. “Anything to protect Harry.”

Dumbledore nodded in return. “We can work out the details later, I think. Mr Lupin, could I have a word with you?” Remus blinked, startled, but shrugged and stood, following his former headmaster into the adjacent room. 

“You’ll have to return to the pack this moon, Remus,” Dumbledore began without preamble. “I understand you dislike it, and that you dislike that you must keep your whereabouts a secret. But you are doing good there. Two days ago a man from the pack by the name of Elijah came to us and asked for protection under the Order.”

Remus gaped. Elijah was one of the “alphas” in the large pack he’d been sent to every month. But other than him trying to get into Remus’s bed every moon, they’d hardly spoken. That meant he’d probably convinced others within the pack to turn against Voldemort, who had in turn convinced Elijah. 

“I’m proud of you, Mr Lupin,” Dumbledore continued, smiling. “I know war is hard, but we _will_ end this bloodshed one day, and you will be one of the reasons we do. I only ask you to continue to return to the pack as of now.”

Remus looked at the floor and then back up at the professor. “I’m glad I’m doing good,” he said softly. “It’s not that I hate being there. They’re kind, most of the time. It’s just hard lying to my friends.” _Lying to Sirius_. 

“I understand,” said Dumbledore. “But sometimes we must lie now in order to one day be able to tell the truth.”

He had absolutely no idea what that meant, but Remus nodded and smiled. “Is that all, then?” he asked politely, though he was itching to get back to the Marauders. It was nice when they were all together, was almost like old times at Hogwarts. 

“Yes, Mr Lupin, thank you again for all you’re doing,” answered Dumbledore. He left to enter a different room, probably to give out another assignment, and Remus turned to go back to his friends.

The room was empty, though. 

* * *

Sirius waited until Dumbledore had brought Remus into the other room, then grabbed his best friends arm. “Can we talk?”

James looked startled but nodded, and he, Sirius, Peter, and Lily stood, carrying Harry in her arms. Sirius led them outside and cast another silencing charm. 

“One of use should be the secret keeper,” he said, looking at each of his friends in turn. “We’re the only ones we know for sure wouldn’t betray one another.”

Lily sighed, holding Harry close to her. “I’d hate to put one of you in danger, though,” she said. James nodded. 

  
“It’s the only way!” exclaimed Sirius, waving his hands. “We put up the Fidelius Charm, you stay safe, Harry stays safe, Voldemort is vanquished, ta-da the end.” Peter snorted.

“It should be you or Remus, then,” Lily said. “No offense, Peter.” Peter just shrugged, looking interested in the conversation.

Sirius frowned. “Not Remus.”

James sighed, exasperated. “You can’t seriously-”

“I _am_ Sirius,” Sirius said jokingly. No one seemed amused, though, and James put his hands on his hips. 

“Sirius,” he began, “you and Moony have been together for _years_. You guys are in love, for Merlin’s sake. And you’ve known him since we were eleven, we all have. You can’t honestly believe he’s the spy.” Lily gasped. 

“The _spy?!”_ she exclaimed, horrified. “What the hell?”

Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose. “It just makes sense, Lils,” he said. “He’s gone all quiet, he goes on missions to be with werewolves, he-”

“His missions are secret,” James cut it. “You have no idea what he’s been doing.”

“He’s gone once a month, Prongs, I know what that means. This is first year all over again. Anyways, there’s no one else it could possibly be. If he’s with werewolves then he has a direct line to Voldemort, and they could’ve easily convinced him that being on the other side would give him more rights than if our side won. Peter agrees with me.”

James frowned at Peter, who just shrugged again. “Padfoot is right, it makes sense. He hasn’t really said much to any of us lately, has he? Like he feels guilty or something.” James opened his mouth, eyebrows pinched together, then closed it again, apparently resigned. 

“You’ve all gone insane,” said Lily, sounding extremely disappointed. “Remus is your guys’ best friend, and he’s your _boyfriend_ , Sirius, he loves you.”

Sirius shook his head. “I’m not risking it, Lily, I’m sorry. I won’t let you die.”

“Will you do it, then?” asked James after a moment of silence, looking at Sirius as he took Lily’s hand again. “Be our secret keeper?”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah, of course I will,” he said. James smiled and pulled him into a hug. 

“It’ll be good knowing my brother is keeping me safe,” he said as he pulled back. “I know you’d die rather than give us away.”

Sirius smiled, then froze and frowned. “Wait, no,” he said slowly. “I can’t be the one to do it.”

“Why?” asked Lily and James at the same time.

“It’s too obvious, isn’t it?” explained Sirius. “James and I _are_ practically brothers, so I’ll be their number one suspect once you go into hiding. It has to be someone unpredictable, someone the Death Eaters would never think you’d trust with your location.”

They all looked at one another, and then everyone’s gaze slowly spun to Peter. “Me?” he squeaked.

“Only if you want to, Peter,” James assured. “We’d understand if you didn’t.”

“No, no, I definitely will,” said Peter quickly, shaking his head. “It’s just a surprise is all. Unexpected.

“You’ll stay in one of the safe houses until we think of something better, then,” decided Sirius. “And… I think we should still say that I’m the secret keeper.”

Lily tilted her head. “Lie to Dumbledore?”

“I’d have to lie to Remus too,” Sirius sighed. “There’s a leak in the Order, and even if it’s somehow not him, we should still try to keep the secret keeper as, well, _secret_ as possible. Otherwise who knows what could happen?”

“Sirius is right, Lils,” said James. “It’s the safest bet.”

“Are you sure you two want to do this?” asked Lily, looking between Sirius and Peter. “It’s so dangerous.”

“We’re in a war, though, it’s bound to be dangerous,” said Peter. Sirius nodded. Peter glanced back at the house. “I’ll go find Dumbledore and tell him, then?” he asked, looking at James. He nodded slowly, and Peter raced off back towards the house, a little too excited for the circumstances.

Lily turned to Sirius. “Sirius, love…” she began. But he shook his head abruptly. 

“No,” he said. 

“I just don’t understand how you could think Remus is-”

“I don’t want to talk about this, Lily.”

James frowned. “Padfoot-” Sirius groaned. 

“Enough, alright?” And they were silent for a while, Sirius ignoring Jame’s worried look and Lily’s disapproving one. Soon after, Dumbledore arrived, following Peter outside and towards their little group. 

Sirius explained that he would be his friend's secret keeper, and Dumbledore agreed to the arrangement. He asked if Sirius would like to stay in a safe house, and said he could bring Remus along if he wanted, but Sirius declined on both accounts. As much as he would rather live anywhere other than where the spy was, he had to keep an eye on him.

* * *

Remus sat at the kitchen counter in the apartment, a cup of coffee between his slightly shaking hands. He’d never figured out where Sirius and the others had gone off to after the meeting, but figured that if they hadn’t waited for him, they probably hadn’t wanted him there. 

He sighed through his nose, trying to control his breathing. He hardly ever cried, and he wasn’t going to start just because of this. Though he wasn’t exactly sure what _this_ was anymore. Not with the war, not with Sirius, not even with his closest friends. He felt alone in the world, which was ridiculous, but he didn’t know how to fix it. Or if he even could.

The door banged open suddenly, and Sirius Black entered the apartment. Remus watched as he shrugged off his jacket and - there was no other word for it - strutted into the kitchen. He looked like Christmas had come early.

“They’ve gone into hiding,” he announced as he pulled open the fridge and grabbed a pepsi, a drink he had recently become obsessed with.

Remus almost dropped his mug in shock and set it down slowly so he didn’t end up spilling anything. “W-what?”

Sirius leaned against the wall a few feet away. “Prongs and Lily and the Prongslet. They’re safe.”

He stared at him for a long time, then placed his shaking hands on the counter. “And they didn’t think it would be a good idea to tell me? Before they just _left?_ Did they not want to say goodbye?”

Sirius shrugged. “Guess not.” He _smiled_ , then, like he was happy about something. “I’m their secret keeper, though, so it’s not like anything bad will happen to them.”

Remus’ eyes widened in fear and he lurched back from the counter. “ _What?!_ ” he exclaimed. “You’ll die! They’ll know it’s you, they’ll come after you!” 

Sirius kept smiling, though. He had on that face he always wore whenever he had messed with Snape, a mix between pleasure and triumph. Like he had one-upped him. “They’re safe, though. And it’s not like Voldemort will _know_ it’s me, unless our spy tells him.” At the word _spy_ Sirius seemed to lean forward a bit, staring at Remus keenly. Remus had no idea what that meant, and tilted his head.

“Sirius-”

“It’s done, Rem. Sorry, not sorry.” And with that strange sentiment, Sirius turned and went into the bedroom. Remus stared after him. Why did he look so joyful about all this? So… prideful? Like he knew something Remus didn’t, and was happy about it?

Maybe he’d gone to see that _someone new_ afterwards, and was happy because of that. Remus bit his lip. He’d be leaving tomorrow for the pack again, and probably wouldn’t be back for a few days… if he didn’t ask Sirius about what was going on between them soon, he probably never would.

He started walking before he really knew what he was doing, and by the time his brain caught up to his body he was already in the doorway of the bedroom and it was too late to turn back. Sirius was frowning at him from where he was sitting on the bed. 

“What?” he said, twisting his wand between his fingers. Remus glanced at it, then forced himself to look back into Sirius’s eyes. 

“Are we okay?” he asked quickly. Sirius’s eyes flashed, but he said nothing, so Remus took a cautious step into the bedroom. “We haven’t- I mean, I just-” he paused, trying to find the words. 

“Spit it out, will you,” said Sirius, his voice flat. “I’m tired.”

Remus closed his eyes, willing himself not to break down, and took a deep breath through his nose. “Do you still love me?” he asked, very softly, opening his eyes again. 

Sirius stared at him.

Just stared. He didn’t say anything. He just stared, blinking slowly, and if Remus didn’t know better he would think Sirius hadn’t heard him. But he did know better.

It started as a little pain in his throat, slowly moving to the back of his head and his jaw. His heart was beating rapidly, and his hands started shaking even more. He swallowed again and bit his lip, then nodded jerkily and backed away.

“Right,” he rasped, trying to keep his voice in check. “Okay.”

Sirius kept staring at him, as if he was a rather boring zoo exhibit. Maybe that was all Remus was to him, now. A boring, pathetic werewolf. He backed up a bit more and his back hit the frame of the door. He turned and walked out, trying to calm himself with deep breaths. He wished he had a time turner so he could go back two minutes and prevent himself from asking that. He’d rather be in the dark and confused than know that the man he loved, the brightest star in his otherwise dreary life, no longer cared about him or wanted him around. Remus wiped at his eye and found that they were wet. When had he started crying?

He took another shaky breath as he set his mug by the sink and stuck his wand into his pocket. He then pulled on his shoes, threw on a black sweatshirt and, taking another shaky breath, left the apartment. The pack wouldn’t care if he showed up earlier than usual. Elijah definitely wouldn’t mind, especially if he knew that Remus was effectively single again. 

* * * 

Remus had left. Sirius had stayed still as he listened to him walk around the apartment, and then the front door had opened and shut.

He placed a shaking hand over his mouth and stared at the wall. He’d done it. He’d planted the lie in the spy, and had removed him from his life. He was safe, and the Potters were safe too.

Why did he feel so awful, then?

Because he still loved Remus. He always would.

_October 31, 1981_

It had been six days without any contact from anyone. Sirius was starting to go crazy from the isolation, almost crazy enough to wish he hadn’t made Remus leave. He’d been walking in circles around the apartment for three hours before he made up his mind to go visit Peter. He was probably getting sick of being alone too, and Sirius really needed someone to talk to about Remus. He hopped onto his motorbike and flew off towards Peter’s safe house, squinting in the inky darkness. 

He landed on the front lawn and headed towards the small house, remembering at the last minute that it was Halloween and he probably should've brought Peter chocolates or something. _No, not chocolate. It would remind him of Remus._

Sirius rang the doorbell, but nobody answered. He did it again, and then twice more, but still no one came to the door. He paused, then flicked his wand into his hand and pushed the door open. It gave way instantly, and Sirius peered into the dusty gloom of the house. 

“Wormtail?” he whispered, lighting his wand and holding it aloft. “Are you here?”

Silence.

“Peter!” he called, louder this time. “Where are you?”

Nothing.

Unsettled, Sirius circled the inside of the house, throwing out revealing charms and _lumos_ ’s in hopes of spotting something amiss. But everything looked perfectly normal, except for the fact that Peter was nowhere to be found.

He felt a tug in his stomach and he lurched back towards his motorbike, starting the engine and flying into the night before he knew what he was doing. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. He sped as fast as he could towards Godric’s Hollow, praying he wouldn’t see anything.

“No,” he whispered when he saw the half-caved-in house, still smoking. “No, no, no no no-”

He landed quickly and almost fell over in his hurry to get to the house, holding his wand in front of him in fear. “ _James!”_ he shouted as he ran up the front steps of the house, disregarding the fact that anyone could see him now. “ _Lily!”_

He paused at the landing. The door hung open and there… there was James. On the floor. 

Dead. 

Sirius covered his face with his hands and slid to his knees, whimpering. _No,_ he thought, _no. He’s not dead, he can’t be dead, he can’t be-_

He took a breath and stood on shaky feet. Maybe Lily was still in there, alive. They’d given the cloak to Dumbledore, but maybe she had managed to hide somewhere… 

It took all the effort in the world to walk by his best friend's body. He crouched down beside it and slid Jame’s eyes closed, so it gave the effect that he was just sleeping. _He’s just sleeping_. He went up the stairs and slowly walked down the hallway, crossing his fingers, praying to any and every god that Lily was still alive.

_There_. A baby’s cry. Harry was still alive, then. Sirius let out a gasping breath and raced forwards to the room at the end of the hall, pushing the door open, looking for-

Lily. Or her body, anyways. On the ground in front of a wooden cradle, where the baby Harry was standing. 

“No,” Sirius said again, kneeling beside her. He slid her eyes closed to, his tears falling onto the ground. “ _Fuck!”_

It hadn’t been Remus. It had never been Remus. It had been _Peter_ , all this time, betraying them to Voldemort, and this was the outcome. Two of his best friends were dead and the third hated him, probably always would. Sirius broke down, sobbing uncontrollably as he kneeled beside the body. He’d lost everything tonight, except Harry. He still had Harry. He was his godfather, he would have to raise him, teach him how to be good, kind, brave-

He stood and headed towards the cradle, trying to remain strong. His best friends were dead, but their son was still alive. Sirius had no idea how, or what it meant, but that wasn’t important right now. All that mattered was he get Harry to safety before Voldemort or one of his supporters came back to finish the job. 

He carried Harry close to his chest as he went back down the stairs and out the door, closing his eyes as he passed James’ body and walked towards his bike.

“Sirius?”

Sirius froze and turned. “Hagrid?” he asked, his voice cracking as he turned to face the giant man standing in the middle of the street.

“Blimey, Sirius, I thought- ey, where’re ya goin’ with ‘arry?” Hagrid was holding his trademark pink umbrella in his hand, and was looking between the smoking house and Sirius with a sad look on his face.

Sirius frowned as he adjusted Harry in his arms and wiped his eyes, sniffing slightly. “I’m his godfather, so I thought I should take him- before they come back, I mean. So he stays safe.”

“‘re they- they’re gone, then?” asked Hagrid sadly, looking back at the house. “Dumbledore’s sen’ me.”

Sirius nodded jerkily. “Yes, they’re… they’re dead. Voldemort killed them.” Hagrid flinched noticeably at the name, and wiped his eyes.  
  
“‘m sorry, Sirius,” he said. “Dumbledore also tol’ me that I was t’ take ‘arry with me t’ his aunt ‘n uncle’s.”

“What?!” exclaimed Sirius, holding Harry closer to him. “I’m his bloody godfather, Hagrid, Dumbledore can’t expect me to just give that up!”

Hagrid shook his head. “He said s’mthing about blood magic, ‘n I don’t think he’ll change ‘is mind.”

Sirius opened his mouth, then shut it slowly. If it was blood magic, if that was the only way Harry would be safe, then he supposed…

He stepped forward and reluctantly gave Harry to Hagrid, who quickly bundled him up in a blanket and held him close. Sirius sniffed again and rubbed his eyes, staring at the pavement beneath his feet. 

“I’m so sorry,” Hagrid said comfortingly. “I know ‘ow close you all were. But Dumbledore’s said You-Know-Who’s gone now.”

Sirius looked up. “Voldemort’s gone?” he asked, shocked. 

“‘at’s what I’ve heard,” nodded Hagrid. He then looked around and behind him. “I’m not sure ‘ow I’ll get ter ‘is new home in time…” he said slowly, his voice still thick with emotion.

“Take my bike, then, I don’t need it anymore” Sirius offered. “I’ve charmed it to fly, you’ll get there quick enough.”

“Thanks, Sirius,” said Hagrid, walking towards it. “I’ll give it back afterwards.” Sirius nodded and turned it on for him, hoping that Hagrid _wouldn’t_ give it back. As much as he loved it, it reminded him too much of Remus.

Remus, who hadn’t betrayed him. Remus, who thought Sirius didn’t love him. Remus… 

Who thought Sirius was the secret keeper.

He sucked in a breath when that realisation struck, but Hagrid had already flown away. _They had told everyone Sirius was the secret keeper. They had told Dumbledore. To everyone, it looked like Sirius had been the one to betray them._

He had to find Peter.

He had to kill Peter.

* * *

_November 2, 1981_

Remus hadn’t been sure if he should return to his and Sirius’ apartment or not, but all his things were there, and since James, Lily, and Peter were all in hiding there was really nowhere else for him to go. So he unlocked the door and went inside, hoping that Sirius would be somewhere else. He was in luck, since the lights were off and it was quiet. He sighed softly and made himself some tea. 

The sun had set by the time he got up off the couch and went into the bedroom. He was meant to have updated Dumbledore on what had happened at the pack, but it could wait until tomorrow. He was already tired enough, between having to deal with Voldemort supporters and the fact that Sirius no longer loved him. Dumbledore could wait a day for news. 

_November 3, 1981_

The first thing Remus thought when he woke up was that it was Sirius’ birthday today. Flashbacks came back in waves, of singing at breakfast, he and James racing across the quidditch pitch, throwing Sirius parties in the common room and getting drunk as hell. It almost made him break down all over again. 

The second thing was that now he wasn’t as tired as he had been, he realised he couldn’t smell Sirius in the apartment. 

He’d always had a better sense of smell than the average person, but his nose was especially sensitive a few days before and after the moon. Because of that, he could tell that Sirius hadn’t been to the apartment in a few days. Which… didn’t make sense. He couldn’t be with the Potters, Longbottoms, or Peter, as they were in hiding, and it wasn’t like he had any other close friends. 

_Oh_. He was with that someone new, then. He’d probably decided that since Remus knew he didn’t want to be with him anymore, he could just move on and leave. He’d come back for his stuff soon, then. 

Remus bit his lip as he made himself a coffee and tried not to cry. He’d made it through this moon without much damage to his body, but his heart was still aching like a hole had been torn through it. 

He had just been sitting on the couch when a _hiss_ came from the fireplace. Remus jumped and walked towards it as Dumbledore’s face materialised in the flames. 

“Mr Lupin?” his voice crackled. “Could I come through?”

Remus frowned but said yes, and stood back as the wizard stepped through. He looked unusually dishevelled, and there was a strange glint in his eyes. Remus motioned for him to sit on the armchair opposite the couch, and they both sat.

Dumbledore sighed and looked at Remus over his half-moon glasses. “I assume you’ve already heard?” he said without preamble. Remus blinked.

“Heard what?” he asked. Dumbledore opened his mouth, then closed it and sighed. Remus tilted his head. “I only got back last night, sir, so if something-”

“I’m so sorry, Remus,” Dumbledore interrupted. 

“S-sorry, sir?”

“On Wednesday - Halloween - the Fidelius Charm surrounding the Evans-Potter household was broken, and they were attacked.” Dumbledore said this with a calm, soft voice, as if afraid Remus would start yelling, but he just stared at him. 

“And are… James and Lily? Harry?” he asked, his voice shaking. “Are they okay?”

As soon as he said the question, though, he knew the answer. Dumbledore’s face said it all. 

“No,” Remus whispered, shaking his head. “No, they can’t- that’s not-”

“I’m so sorry,” the headmaster repeated. “I never thought Mr Black would do something like this.”

Remus stood suddenly, his mug dropping to the floor. “Sirius…” No. No, he would never. Sirius loved James, he loved Lily, he was so excited when he was named godfather, he would _never_ have betrayed them…. 

But he’d been so different lately, hadn’t he? He’d been disappearing all the time, he’d stopped speaking to Remus, he’d made James and Lily decide who their secret keeper would be without Remus being there-

And his face. That _face_ he had made when he’d told Remus he was their secret keeper. He’d looked so triumphant. Like he’d won the quidditch cup. 

“ _No…_ I thought- I thought he was _cheating_. I never thought- I didn’t-”

Dumbledore stood quietly and waved his hand as Remus rambled. The broken mug fixed itself and flew into the kitchen, and the carpet stain disappeared. “Mr Black is currently in Azkaban for the murder of twelve muggles and Peter Pettigrew,” he said, like he was reciting poetry. “You’re safe here. In an attempt to murder Harry Potter, Voldemort was destroyed. Harry survived and is currently living with his aunt and uncle.”

“Twelve muggles…” Remus fell back onto the couch and stared at the carpet without seeing it. He hardly even registered the fact that Voldemort was _dead_ . Sirius had betrayed them. He had betrayed them all, fooled them all into thinking he was on their side, when he’d been passing information along. He’d killed muggles, he’d killed Peter, he’d killed _James and Lily._

Remus leaned forward and retched, tearing mixing with vomit as he threw up. 

“I feel responsible,” Dumbledore said as he once again waved his hand and cleaned the carpet. “I should have seen the signs sooner.” He paused as Remus wiped his eyes, then continued. “Would you like me to leave you alone, Mr Lupin?” Remus nodded. He needed Dumbledor to go before he did or said something awful. “Very well. I’m so sorry, again. I shall owl you with the funeral information when they’ve been set up, I think. And if you ever need to talk, I am here.”

And with that, he was gone. And Remus was alone in the apartment again.

_I feel responsible_ , Dumbledore had said. But that was wrong. He wasn’t responsible. _Remus_ was. He was the one dating Sirius, after all. How had he not noticed what was happening? How had he not _known?_ Had Sirius even cared about him in the first place? Or had he joined the Death Eaters when his brother had, turning spy for them and making sure he burrowed his way into James and Lily’s life? Their whole friendship, their whole relationship, had it all been a lie? 

Had Sirius ever even loved him at all? He’d never know, would he? He was rotting in Azkaban now. 

Sirius was there, Peter was dead, James was dead, Lily was dead. Remus had, effectively, lost every friend he’d ever had within the span of a year, and four of his closest friends within the span of a night. 

He’d never even gotten to say goodbye.


End file.
